How can I deal with my coworker having zero social awareness?
My coworker is ruining what's otherwise a great job. I love all my other coworkers and the benefits are great, but this guy is incredibly offensive and rude. Here's some highlights:
- He'll make comments about my body, like saying that he likes that my shirt is low-cut or that I have "nice forearms".
- He tries to start political arguments. Today I was talking to something else in the hallway about dogs and he walked up and said "That reminds me of how I called into a radio show yesterday to argue with this dumb republican. You're not one, are you?"
- He criticizes every thing I do or own if it's not something he's into or owns: "Why do you go to the gym? You know it's bad for you." "What are your plans this weekend? Why do you like going out for a drink? You seem like an alcoholic."
- He chews while talking and spits food on me all the time. Today it was when I had my headphones on and didn't know he was talking to me.
- He comes into meetings I'm having with someone else about work projects to tell me that he watched some TV show yesterday and it was good.
I've tried telling him that I don't like each of these individual things, but there's always something else he does. If this was outside of work I'd say something like "shut the fuck up" but obviously that's unprofessional here. What are some ways I can deal with this?
communication colleagues united-states harassment
|
show 2 more comments
My coworker is ruining what's otherwise a great job. I love all my other coworkers and the benefits are great, but this guy is incredibly offensive and rude. Here's some highlights:
- He'll make comments about my body, like saying that he likes that my shirt is low-cut or that I have "nice forearms".
- He tries to start political arguments. Today I was talking to something else in the hallway about dogs and he walked up and said "That reminds me of how I called into a radio show yesterday to argue with this dumb republican. You're not one, are you?"
- He criticizes every thing I do or own if it's not something he's into or owns: "Why do you go to the gym? You know it's bad for you." "What are your plans this weekend? Why do you like going out for a drink? You seem like an alcoholic."
- He chews while talking and spits food on me all the time. Today it was when I had my headphones on and didn't know he was talking to me.
- He comes into meetings I'm having with someone else about work projects to tell me that he watched some TV show yesterday and it was good.
I've tried telling him that I don't like each of these individual things, but there's always something else he does. If this was outside of work I'd say something like "shut the fuck up" but obviously that's unprofessional here. What are some ways I can deal with this?
communication colleagues united-states harassment
2
A few time he's said "Oh I'm so sorry. Can I give you some money?" and tries to hand me $5-10 in cash. He still does the behavior though. I've never accepted the money for what it's worth.
– PascLeRasc
10 hours ago
1
Seems to me it is time to talk to your boss about it. Keep it factual, describe how it affects you and your performance, and document some situations before you talk.
– michi
10 hours ago
3
This may be nitpicky, but I think you mean he has zero social grace. A social cue is something one person gives another (wearing headphones in public) that someone else may miss.
– BSMP
9 hours ago
2
My politicial opinions are quite opposite of a Republican, but if he asked me literally whether I'm a dumb Republican, the correct answer is "I'm a highly intelligent Republican, but you sound a stupid Democrat". (Parties swapped if you asked me whether I was a dumb Democrat).
– gnasher729
8 hours ago
2
@gnasher729 I'm far-left in real life, but the way he condescends about politics makes me embarrassed to be on the same side as him.
– PascLeRasc
8 hours ago
|
show 2 more comments
My coworker is ruining what's otherwise a great job. I love all my other coworkers and the benefits are great, but this guy is incredibly offensive and rude. Here's some highlights:
- He'll make comments about my body, like saying that he likes that my shirt is low-cut or that I have "nice forearms".
- He tries to start political arguments. Today I was talking to something else in the hallway about dogs and he walked up and said "That reminds me of how I called into a radio show yesterday to argue with this dumb republican. You're not one, are you?"
- He criticizes every thing I do or own if it's not something he's into or owns: "Why do you go to the gym? You know it's bad for you." "What are your plans this weekend? Why do you like going out for a drink? You seem like an alcoholic."
- He chews while talking and spits food on me all the time. Today it was when I had my headphones on and didn't know he was talking to me.
- He comes into meetings I'm having with someone else about work projects to tell me that he watched some TV show yesterday and it was good.
I've tried telling him that I don't like each of these individual things, but there's always something else he does. If this was outside of work I'd say something like "shut the fuck up" but obviously that's unprofessional here. What are some ways I can deal with this?
communication colleagues united-states harassment
My coworker is ruining what's otherwise a great job. I love all my other coworkers and the benefits are great, but this guy is incredibly offensive and rude. Here's some highlights:
- He'll make comments about my body, like saying that he likes that my shirt is low-cut or that I have "nice forearms".
- He tries to start political arguments. Today I was talking to something else in the hallway about dogs and he walked up and said "That reminds me of how I called into a radio show yesterday to argue with this dumb republican. You're not one, are you?"
- He criticizes every thing I do or own if it's not something he's into or owns: "Why do you go to the gym? You know it's bad for you." "What are your plans this weekend? Why do you like going out for a drink? You seem like an alcoholic."
- He chews while talking and spits food on me all the time. Today it was when I had my headphones on and didn't know he was talking to me.
- He comes into meetings I'm having with someone else about work projects to tell me that he watched some TV show yesterday and it was good.
I've tried telling him that I don't like each of these individual things, but there's always something else he does. If this was outside of work I'd say something like "shut the fuck up" but obviously that's unprofessional here. What are some ways I can deal with this?
communication colleagues united-states harassment
communication colleagues united-states harassment
edited 2 hours ago
PascLeRasc
asked 10 hours ago
PascLeRascPascLeRasc
1,040516
1,040516
2
A few time he's said "Oh I'm so sorry. Can I give you some money?" and tries to hand me $5-10 in cash. He still does the behavior though. I've never accepted the money for what it's worth.
– PascLeRasc
10 hours ago
1
Seems to me it is time to talk to your boss about it. Keep it factual, describe how it affects you and your performance, and document some situations before you talk.
– michi
10 hours ago
3
This may be nitpicky, but I think you mean he has zero social grace. A social cue is something one person gives another (wearing headphones in public) that someone else may miss.
– BSMP
9 hours ago
2
My politicial opinions are quite opposite of a Republican, but if he asked me literally whether I'm a dumb Republican, the correct answer is "I'm a highly intelligent Republican, but you sound a stupid Democrat". (Parties swapped if you asked me whether I was a dumb Democrat).
– gnasher729
8 hours ago
2
@gnasher729 I'm far-left in real life, but the way he condescends about politics makes me embarrassed to be on the same side as him.
– PascLeRasc
8 hours ago
|
show 2 more comments
2
A few time he's said "Oh I'm so sorry. Can I give you some money?" and tries to hand me $5-10 in cash. He still does the behavior though. I've never accepted the money for what it's worth.
– PascLeRasc
10 hours ago
1
Seems to me it is time to talk to your boss about it. Keep it factual, describe how it affects you and your performance, and document some situations before you talk.
– michi
10 hours ago
3
This may be nitpicky, but I think you mean he has zero social grace. A social cue is something one person gives another (wearing headphones in public) that someone else may miss.
– BSMP
9 hours ago
2
My politicial opinions are quite opposite of a Republican, but if he asked me literally whether I'm a dumb Republican, the correct answer is "I'm a highly intelligent Republican, but you sound a stupid Democrat". (Parties swapped if you asked me whether I was a dumb Democrat).
– gnasher729
8 hours ago
2
@gnasher729 I'm far-left in real life, but the way he condescends about politics makes me embarrassed to be on the same side as him.
– PascLeRasc
8 hours ago
2
2
A few time he's said "Oh I'm so sorry. Can I give you some money?" and tries to hand me $5-10 in cash. He still does the behavior though. I've never accepted the money for what it's worth.
– PascLeRasc
10 hours ago
A few time he's said "Oh I'm so sorry. Can I give you some money?" and tries to hand me $5-10 in cash. He still does the behavior though. I've never accepted the money for what it's worth.
– PascLeRasc
10 hours ago
1
1
Seems to me it is time to talk to your boss about it. Keep it factual, describe how it affects you and your performance, and document some situations before you talk.
– michi
10 hours ago
Seems to me it is time to talk to your boss about it. Keep it factual, describe how it affects you and your performance, and document some situations before you talk.
– michi
10 hours ago
3
3
This may be nitpicky, but I think you mean he has zero social grace. A social cue is something one person gives another (wearing headphones in public) that someone else may miss.
– BSMP
9 hours ago
This may be nitpicky, but I think you mean he has zero social grace. A social cue is something one person gives another (wearing headphones in public) that someone else may miss.
– BSMP
9 hours ago
2
2
My politicial opinions are quite opposite of a Republican, but if he asked me literally whether I'm a dumb Republican, the correct answer is "I'm a highly intelligent Republican, but you sound a stupid Democrat". (Parties swapped if you asked me whether I was a dumb Democrat).
– gnasher729
8 hours ago
My politicial opinions are quite opposite of a Republican, but if he asked me literally whether I'm a dumb Republican, the correct answer is "I'm a highly intelligent Republican, but you sound a stupid Democrat". (Parties swapped if you asked me whether I was a dumb Democrat).
– gnasher729
8 hours ago
2
2
@gnasher729 I'm far-left in real life, but the way he condescends about politics makes me embarrassed to be on the same side as him.
– PascLeRasc
8 hours ago
@gnasher729 I'm far-left in real life, but the way he condescends about politics makes me embarrassed to be on the same side as him.
– PascLeRasc
8 hours ago
|
show 2 more comments
2 Answers
2
active
oldest
votes
Every time he starts talking to you in a way that is offensive, shut him down.
If he makes a comment about your body or clothes: "Please don't comment on my body."
If he starts talking politics: "I would rather not hear political talk at work, so please stop."
If he starts putting down people based on race: "Please don't make racist comments around me."
Don't argue or try to explain your reasoning. If he says the comment isn't racist or tries to explain why what he said or did wasn't offensive, just walk away.
Annoying comments about TV shows and possessions can be ignored, but when he comments on your body or makes racist comments, that's veering into protected territory. If he doesn't stop those, you have a responsibility to go to your manager or HR. (And yes, even if you're a guy, it can still be considered sexual harassment for him to comment on your body.)
Edit: Considering the comments about the person possibly being on the spectrum of autism - Someone with autism is perfectly capable of playing by the same behavioral rules as everyone else, they just need those rules more explicitly defined. So when shutting down inappropriate conversations, you don't need to unkind, but you can still shut them down.
Some conversations are just ones that annoy you, and there you are better off making it about you, not them: "Hey, I'm working with Jose right now, so please can you take your TV conversation elsewhere so I can concentrate?." "Please, can you eat elsewhere - it bothers me when you eat that closely to me."
12
@RichardU Asking a co-worker to not talk about race or your own body - it doesn't matter if they're on the spectrum or not. There are laws to keep that out of the workplace. They may need more clear guidance on how to be appropriate, but they still have an obligation to be appropriate.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
7
@RichardU In other words, although the ADA laws might protect this co-worker in some ways, the laws also protect me from being subject to sexual and racial harassment. He doesn't get to be a jerk when it crosses the lines based on other laws.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
9
It's an ADA-actionable myth that autistic people aren't able to understand that some behavior is off limit. This is a prime example
– George M
9 hours ago
2
@RichardU - comments on clothing and body can go that way quickly. Shutting it down before it gets that far is best. And usually the people making comments like that are not autistic, they are normal jerks. Someone with autism will not normally want to offend, so letting them know that conversation is off limits means they will then stop talking about the OP's body. A jerk, on the other hand...
– thursdaysgeek
6 hours ago
3
This, but remove the word please. "Don't comment on my body" is much stronger than "Please don't comment on my body" - it is less polite, for sure, but you don't need to be polite when someone crosses a line.
– corsiKa
6 hours ago
|
show 3 more comments
Is your coworker autistic? If so, does HR know?
If so, then you need to tread lightly, as you could get an ADA action against you if you are not careful.
If you tell him to not do a specific thing, and he stops, then does something else similar, then he's doing EXACTLY what you are telling him.
Full disclosure, I am autistic and have a similar problem to your coworker, what works and has worked with me is being explicit.
If he's stopped doing the things that you've told him to stop, the best way to address it is to lay out clear guidelines.
Bob, we've had discussions before, let me be clear this time. Not only do I want you to stop commenting on my shirts and forearms, I do not want you commenting on my appearance at all.
You can take it a step further.
Bob, I don't want to hear about your politics, and I don't care to hear any criticisms about anything not work related.
If he does indeed have autism, things that may seem as common sense to you are things that need to be spelled out to him.
When and if you do so, be clear, vehement, concise, and don't get into a debate with him.
If he starts to make an argument, just say.
Bob, I've already made this clear to you and I am not going to discuss this further. Stop these behaviors, I don't care if YOU see nothing wrong with them, they are bothering ME and that is not going to change. Thank you.
Now, that might sound harsh, but it's what MANY autistics need to hear if you're going to correct behavior. We tend to think yes/no, black/white with little nuance. We don't catch subtle hints, we don't catch obvious hints. Anything less subtle than an airhorn just may escape our notice. The good thing is that we tend to NOT take these seemingly harsh pronouncements as rude.
Good luck
2
@PascLeRasc Asperger's Syndrome is notoriously misdiagnosed as ADHD, BTW. Also, it's possible to have both, so. But it does need to be dealt with, a diagnosis is not an excuse.
– Richard U
10 hours ago
6
If the coworker is in a protected class, that's up to HR. That's not the OP's issue. The OP is completely within their rights to ask HR that the coworker exhibit reasonable behavior in the workplace. It may be that HR will come back and say "sorry, due to ADA, we can't do anything" but that's a separate issue.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
@DaveG would you be willing to roll the dice on your career like that? If the OP is named in an ADA action, it would absolutely be the OP's issue. You want to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.
– Richard U
9 hours ago
4
@RichardU If you can link to any case where a woman went to HR about sexual harassment and the woman was disciplined / fired simply for that action, I would like to see it. In the meantime I don't believe you, because if that were true, it would be impossible to go to HR about coworker issues, on the basis that the coworker might be protected by the ADA.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
9
1. Reports to HR are privileged (i.e. generally can't be sued for them). Taking action against someone for complaining about harassment is retaliation. 2. ADA requires reasonable accommodation. Giving someone carte blanche to engage in harassment is not a reasonable accommodation. 3. Autism generally manifests in avoidance of social interactions, not in forcing them on others.
– Acccumulation
8 hours ago
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2 Answers
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Every time he starts talking to you in a way that is offensive, shut him down.
If he makes a comment about your body or clothes: "Please don't comment on my body."
If he starts talking politics: "I would rather not hear political talk at work, so please stop."
If he starts putting down people based on race: "Please don't make racist comments around me."
Don't argue or try to explain your reasoning. If he says the comment isn't racist or tries to explain why what he said or did wasn't offensive, just walk away.
Annoying comments about TV shows and possessions can be ignored, but when he comments on your body or makes racist comments, that's veering into protected territory. If he doesn't stop those, you have a responsibility to go to your manager or HR. (And yes, even if you're a guy, it can still be considered sexual harassment for him to comment on your body.)
Edit: Considering the comments about the person possibly being on the spectrum of autism - Someone with autism is perfectly capable of playing by the same behavioral rules as everyone else, they just need those rules more explicitly defined. So when shutting down inappropriate conversations, you don't need to unkind, but you can still shut them down.
Some conversations are just ones that annoy you, and there you are better off making it about you, not them: "Hey, I'm working with Jose right now, so please can you take your TV conversation elsewhere so I can concentrate?." "Please, can you eat elsewhere - it bothers me when you eat that closely to me."
12
@RichardU Asking a co-worker to not talk about race or your own body - it doesn't matter if they're on the spectrum or not. There are laws to keep that out of the workplace. They may need more clear guidance on how to be appropriate, but they still have an obligation to be appropriate.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
7
@RichardU In other words, although the ADA laws might protect this co-worker in some ways, the laws also protect me from being subject to sexual and racial harassment. He doesn't get to be a jerk when it crosses the lines based on other laws.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
9
It's an ADA-actionable myth that autistic people aren't able to understand that some behavior is off limit. This is a prime example
– George M
9 hours ago
2
@RichardU - comments on clothing and body can go that way quickly. Shutting it down before it gets that far is best. And usually the people making comments like that are not autistic, they are normal jerks. Someone with autism will not normally want to offend, so letting them know that conversation is off limits means they will then stop talking about the OP's body. A jerk, on the other hand...
– thursdaysgeek
6 hours ago
3
This, but remove the word please. "Don't comment on my body" is much stronger than "Please don't comment on my body" - it is less polite, for sure, but you don't need to be polite when someone crosses a line.
– corsiKa
6 hours ago
|
show 3 more comments
Every time he starts talking to you in a way that is offensive, shut him down.
If he makes a comment about your body or clothes: "Please don't comment on my body."
If he starts talking politics: "I would rather not hear political talk at work, so please stop."
If he starts putting down people based on race: "Please don't make racist comments around me."
Don't argue or try to explain your reasoning. If he says the comment isn't racist or tries to explain why what he said or did wasn't offensive, just walk away.
Annoying comments about TV shows and possessions can be ignored, but when he comments on your body or makes racist comments, that's veering into protected territory. If he doesn't stop those, you have a responsibility to go to your manager or HR. (And yes, even if you're a guy, it can still be considered sexual harassment for him to comment on your body.)
Edit: Considering the comments about the person possibly being on the spectrum of autism - Someone with autism is perfectly capable of playing by the same behavioral rules as everyone else, they just need those rules more explicitly defined. So when shutting down inappropriate conversations, you don't need to unkind, but you can still shut them down.
Some conversations are just ones that annoy you, and there you are better off making it about you, not them: "Hey, I'm working with Jose right now, so please can you take your TV conversation elsewhere so I can concentrate?." "Please, can you eat elsewhere - it bothers me when you eat that closely to me."
12
@RichardU Asking a co-worker to not talk about race or your own body - it doesn't matter if they're on the spectrum or not. There are laws to keep that out of the workplace. They may need more clear guidance on how to be appropriate, but they still have an obligation to be appropriate.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
7
@RichardU In other words, although the ADA laws might protect this co-worker in some ways, the laws also protect me from being subject to sexual and racial harassment. He doesn't get to be a jerk when it crosses the lines based on other laws.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
9
It's an ADA-actionable myth that autistic people aren't able to understand that some behavior is off limit. This is a prime example
– George M
9 hours ago
2
@RichardU - comments on clothing and body can go that way quickly. Shutting it down before it gets that far is best. And usually the people making comments like that are not autistic, they are normal jerks. Someone with autism will not normally want to offend, so letting them know that conversation is off limits means they will then stop talking about the OP's body. A jerk, on the other hand...
– thursdaysgeek
6 hours ago
3
This, but remove the word please. "Don't comment on my body" is much stronger than "Please don't comment on my body" - it is less polite, for sure, but you don't need to be polite when someone crosses a line.
– corsiKa
6 hours ago
|
show 3 more comments
Every time he starts talking to you in a way that is offensive, shut him down.
If he makes a comment about your body or clothes: "Please don't comment on my body."
If he starts talking politics: "I would rather not hear political talk at work, so please stop."
If he starts putting down people based on race: "Please don't make racist comments around me."
Don't argue or try to explain your reasoning. If he says the comment isn't racist or tries to explain why what he said or did wasn't offensive, just walk away.
Annoying comments about TV shows and possessions can be ignored, but when he comments on your body or makes racist comments, that's veering into protected territory. If he doesn't stop those, you have a responsibility to go to your manager or HR. (And yes, even if you're a guy, it can still be considered sexual harassment for him to comment on your body.)
Edit: Considering the comments about the person possibly being on the spectrum of autism - Someone with autism is perfectly capable of playing by the same behavioral rules as everyone else, they just need those rules more explicitly defined. So when shutting down inappropriate conversations, you don't need to unkind, but you can still shut them down.
Some conversations are just ones that annoy you, and there you are better off making it about you, not them: "Hey, I'm working with Jose right now, so please can you take your TV conversation elsewhere so I can concentrate?." "Please, can you eat elsewhere - it bothers me when you eat that closely to me."
Every time he starts talking to you in a way that is offensive, shut him down.
If he makes a comment about your body or clothes: "Please don't comment on my body."
If he starts talking politics: "I would rather not hear political talk at work, so please stop."
If he starts putting down people based on race: "Please don't make racist comments around me."
Don't argue or try to explain your reasoning. If he says the comment isn't racist or tries to explain why what he said or did wasn't offensive, just walk away.
Annoying comments about TV shows and possessions can be ignored, but when he comments on your body or makes racist comments, that's veering into protected territory. If he doesn't stop those, you have a responsibility to go to your manager or HR. (And yes, even if you're a guy, it can still be considered sexual harassment for him to comment on your body.)
Edit: Considering the comments about the person possibly being on the spectrum of autism - Someone with autism is perfectly capable of playing by the same behavioral rules as everyone else, they just need those rules more explicitly defined. So when shutting down inappropriate conversations, you don't need to unkind, but you can still shut them down.
Some conversations are just ones that annoy you, and there you are better off making it about you, not them: "Hey, I'm working with Jose right now, so please can you take your TV conversation elsewhere so I can concentrate?." "Please, can you eat elsewhere - it bothers me when you eat that closely to me."
edited 6 hours ago
answered 10 hours ago
thursdaysgeekthursdaysgeek
31.1k1553115
31.1k1553115
12
@RichardU Asking a co-worker to not talk about race or your own body - it doesn't matter if they're on the spectrum or not. There are laws to keep that out of the workplace. They may need more clear guidance on how to be appropriate, but they still have an obligation to be appropriate.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
7
@RichardU In other words, although the ADA laws might protect this co-worker in some ways, the laws also protect me from being subject to sexual and racial harassment. He doesn't get to be a jerk when it crosses the lines based on other laws.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
9
It's an ADA-actionable myth that autistic people aren't able to understand that some behavior is off limit. This is a prime example
– George M
9 hours ago
2
@RichardU - comments on clothing and body can go that way quickly. Shutting it down before it gets that far is best. And usually the people making comments like that are not autistic, they are normal jerks. Someone with autism will not normally want to offend, so letting them know that conversation is off limits means they will then stop talking about the OP's body. A jerk, on the other hand...
– thursdaysgeek
6 hours ago
3
This, but remove the word please. "Don't comment on my body" is much stronger than "Please don't comment on my body" - it is less polite, for sure, but you don't need to be polite when someone crosses a line.
– corsiKa
6 hours ago
|
show 3 more comments
12
@RichardU Asking a co-worker to not talk about race or your own body - it doesn't matter if they're on the spectrum or not. There are laws to keep that out of the workplace. They may need more clear guidance on how to be appropriate, but they still have an obligation to be appropriate.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
7
@RichardU In other words, although the ADA laws might protect this co-worker in some ways, the laws also protect me from being subject to sexual and racial harassment. He doesn't get to be a jerk when it crosses the lines based on other laws.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
9
It's an ADA-actionable myth that autistic people aren't able to understand that some behavior is off limit. This is a prime example
– George M
9 hours ago
2
@RichardU - comments on clothing and body can go that way quickly. Shutting it down before it gets that far is best. And usually the people making comments like that are not autistic, they are normal jerks. Someone with autism will not normally want to offend, so letting them know that conversation is off limits means they will then stop talking about the OP's body. A jerk, on the other hand...
– thursdaysgeek
6 hours ago
3
This, but remove the word please. "Don't comment on my body" is much stronger than "Please don't comment on my body" - it is less polite, for sure, but you don't need to be polite when someone crosses a line.
– corsiKa
6 hours ago
12
12
@RichardU Asking a co-worker to not talk about race or your own body - it doesn't matter if they're on the spectrum or not. There are laws to keep that out of the workplace. They may need more clear guidance on how to be appropriate, but they still have an obligation to be appropriate.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
@RichardU Asking a co-worker to not talk about race or your own body - it doesn't matter if they're on the spectrum or not. There are laws to keep that out of the workplace. They may need more clear guidance on how to be appropriate, but they still have an obligation to be appropriate.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
7
7
@RichardU In other words, although the ADA laws might protect this co-worker in some ways, the laws also protect me from being subject to sexual and racial harassment. He doesn't get to be a jerk when it crosses the lines based on other laws.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
@RichardU In other words, although the ADA laws might protect this co-worker in some ways, the laws also protect me from being subject to sexual and racial harassment. He doesn't get to be a jerk when it crosses the lines based on other laws.
– thursdaysgeek
9 hours ago
9
9
It's an ADA-actionable myth that autistic people aren't able to understand that some behavior is off limit. This is a prime example
– George M
9 hours ago
It's an ADA-actionable myth that autistic people aren't able to understand that some behavior is off limit. This is a prime example
– George M
9 hours ago
2
2
@RichardU - comments on clothing and body can go that way quickly. Shutting it down before it gets that far is best. And usually the people making comments like that are not autistic, they are normal jerks. Someone with autism will not normally want to offend, so letting them know that conversation is off limits means they will then stop talking about the OP's body. A jerk, on the other hand...
– thursdaysgeek
6 hours ago
@RichardU - comments on clothing and body can go that way quickly. Shutting it down before it gets that far is best. And usually the people making comments like that are not autistic, they are normal jerks. Someone with autism will not normally want to offend, so letting them know that conversation is off limits means they will then stop talking about the OP's body. A jerk, on the other hand...
– thursdaysgeek
6 hours ago
3
3
This, but remove the word please. "Don't comment on my body" is much stronger than "Please don't comment on my body" - it is less polite, for sure, but you don't need to be polite when someone crosses a line.
– corsiKa
6 hours ago
This, but remove the word please. "Don't comment on my body" is much stronger than "Please don't comment on my body" - it is less polite, for sure, but you don't need to be polite when someone crosses a line.
– corsiKa
6 hours ago
|
show 3 more comments
Is your coworker autistic? If so, does HR know?
If so, then you need to tread lightly, as you could get an ADA action against you if you are not careful.
If you tell him to not do a specific thing, and he stops, then does something else similar, then he's doing EXACTLY what you are telling him.
Full disclosure, I am autistic and have a similar problem to your coworker, what works and has worked with me is being explicit.
If he's stopped doing the things that you've told him to stop, the best way to address it is to lay out clear guidelines.
Bob, we've had discussions before, let me be clear this time. Not only do I want you to stop commenting on my shirts and forearms, I do not want you commenting on my appearance at all.
You can take it a step further.
Bob, I don't want to hear about your politics, and I don't care to hear any criticisms about anything not work related.
If he does indeed have autism, things that may seem as common sense to you are things that need to be spelled out to him.
When and if you do so, be clear, vehement, concise, and don't get into a debate with him.
If he starts to make an argument, just say.
Bob, I've already made this clear to you and I am not going to discuss this further. Stop these behaviors, I don't care if YOU see nothing wrong with them, they are bothering ME and that is not going to change. Thank you.
Now, that might sound harsh, but it's what MANY autistics need to hear if you're going to correct behavior. We tend to think yes/no, black/white with little nuance. We don't catch subtle hints, we don't catch obvious hints. Anything less subtle than an airhorn just may escape our notice. The good thing is that we tend to NOT take these seemingly harsh pronouncements as rude.
Good luck
2
@PascLeRasc Asperger's Syndrome is notoriously misdiagnosed as ADHD, BTW. Also, it's possible to have both, so. But it does need to be dealt with, a diagnosis is not an excuse.
– Richard U
10 hours ago
6
If the coworker is in a protected class, that's up to HR. That's not the OP's issue. The OP is completely within their rights to ask HR that the coworker exhibit reasonable behavior in the workplace. It may be that HR will come back and say "sorry, due to ADA, we can't do anything" but that's a separate issue.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
@DaveG would you be willing to roll the dice on your career like that? If the OP is named in an ADA action, it would absolutely be the OP's issue. You want to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.
– Richard U
9 hours ago
4
@RichardU If you can link to any case where a woman went to HR about sexual harassment and the woman was disciplined / fired simply for that action, I would like to see it. In the meantime I don't believe you, because if that were true, it would be impossible to go to HR about coworker issues, on the basis that the coworker might be protected by the ADA.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
9
1. Reports to HR are privileged (i.e. generally can't be sued for them). Taking action against someone for complaining about harassment is retaliation. 2. ADA requires reasonable accommodation. Giving someone carte blanche to engage in harassment is not a reasonable accommodation. 3. Autism generally manifests in avoidance of social interactions, not in forcing them on others.
– Acccumulation
8 hours ago
add a comment |
Is your coworker autistic? If so, does HR know?
If so, then you need to tread lightly, as you could get an ADA action against you if you are not careful.
If you tell him to not do a specific thing, and he stops, then does something else similar, then he's doing EXACTLY what you are telling him.
Full disclosure, I am autistic and have a similar problem to your coworker, what works and has worked with me is being explicit.
If he's stopped doing the things that you've told him to stop, the best way to address it is to lay out clear guidelines.
Bob, we've had discussions before, let me be clear this time. Not only do I want you to stop commenting on my shirts and forearms, I do not want you commenting on my appearance at all.
You can take it a step further.
Bob, I don't want to hear about your politics, and I don't care to hear any criticisms about anything not work related.
If he does indeed have autism, things that may seem as common sense to you are things that need to be spelled out to him.
When and if you do so, be clear, vehement, concise, and don't get into a debate with him.
If he starts to make an argument, just say.
Bob, I've already made this clear to you and I am not going to discuss this further. Stop these behaviors, I don't care if YOU see nothing wrong with them, they are bothering ME and that is not going to change. Thank you.
Now, that might sound harsh, but it's what MANY autistics need to hear if you're going to correct behavior. We tend to think yes/no, black/white with little nuance. We don't catch subtle hints, we don't catch obvious hints. Anything less subtle than an airhorn just may escape our notice. The good thing is that we tend to NOT take these seemingly harsh pronouncements as rude.
Good luck
2
@PascLeRasc Asperger's Syndrome is notoriously misdiagnosed as ADHD, BTW. Also, it's possible to have both, so. But it does need to be dealt with, a diagnosis is not an excuse.
– Richard U
10 hours ago
6
If the coworker is in a protected class, that's up to HR. That's not the OP's issue. The OP is completely within their rights to ask HR that the coworker exhibit reasonable behavior in the workplace. It may be that HR will come back and say "sorry, due to ADA, we can't do anything" but that's a separate issue.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
@DaveG would you be willing to roll the dice on your career like that? If the OP is named in an ADA action, it would absolutely be the OP's issue. You want to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.
– Richard U
9 hours ago
4
@RichardU If you can link to any case where a woman went to HR about sexual harassment and the woman was disciplined / fired simply for that action, I would like to see it. In the meantime I don't believe you, because if that were true, it would be impossible to go to HR about coworker issues, on the basis that the coworker might be protected by the ADA.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
9
1. Reports to HR are privileged (i.e. generally can't be sued for them). Taking action against someone for complaining about harassment is retaliation. 2. ADA requires reasonable accommodation. Giving someone carte blanche to engage in harassment is not a reasonable accommodation. 3. Autism generally manifests in avoidance of social interactions, not in forcing them on others.
– Acccumulation
8 hours ago
add a comment |
Is your coworker autistic? If so, does HR know?
If so, then you need to tread lightly, as you could get an ADA action against you if you are not careful.
If you tell him to not do a specific thing, and he stops, then does something else similar, then he's doing EXACTLY what you are telling him.
Full disclosure, I am autistic and have a similar problem to your coworker, what works and has worked with me is being explicit.
If he's stopped doing the things that you've told him to stop, the best way to address it is to lay out clear guidelines.
Bob, we've had discussions before, let me be clear this time. Not only do I want you to stop commenting on my shirts and forearms, I do not want you commenting on my appearance at all.
You can take it a step further.
Bob, I don't want to hear about your politics, and I don't care to hear any criticisms about anything not work related.
If he does indeed have autism, things that may seem as common sense to you are things that need to be spelled out to him.
When and if you do so, be clear, vehement, concise, and don't get into a debate with him.
If he starts to make an argument, just say.
Bob, I've already made this clear to you and I am not going to discuss this further. Stop these behaviors, I don't care if YOU see nothing wrong with them, they are bothering ME and that is not going to change. Thank you.
Now, that might sound harsh, but it's what MANY autistics need to hear if you're going to correct behavior. We tend to think yes/no, black/white with little nuance. We don't catch subtle hints, we don't catch obvious hints. Anything less subtle than an airhorn just may escape our notice. The good thing is that we tend to NOT take these seemingly harsh pronouncements as rude.
Good luck
Is your coworker autistic? If so, does HR know?
If so, then you need to tread lightly, as you could get an ADA action against you if you are not careful.
If you tell him to not do a specific thing, and he stops, then does something else similar, then he's doing EXACTLY what you are telling him.
Full disclosure, I am autistic and have a similar problem to your coworker, what works and has worked with me is being explicit.
If he's stopped doing the things that you've told him to stop, the best way to address it is to lay out clear guidelines.
Bob, we've had discussions before, let me be clear this time. Not only do I want you to stop commenting on my shirts and forearms, I do not want you commenting on my appearance at all.
You can take it a step further.
Bob, I don't want to hear about your politics, and I don't care to hear any criticisms about anything not work related.
If he does indeed have autism, things that may seem as common sense to you are things that need to be spelled out to him.
When and if you do so, be clear, vehement, concise, and don't get into a debate with him.
If he starts to make an argument, just say.
Bob, I've already made this clear to you and I am not going to discuss this further. Stop these behaviors, I don't care if YOU see nothing wrong with them, they are bothering ME and that is not going to change. Thank you.
Now, that might sound harsh, but it's what MANY autistics need to hear if you're going to correct behavior. We tend to think yes/no, black/white with little nuance. We don't catch subtle hints, we don't catch obvious hints. Anything less subtle than an airhorn just may escape our notice. The good thing is that we tend to NOT take these seemingly harsh pronouncements as rude.
Good luck
answered 10 hours ago
Richard URichard U
96.7k71258384
96.7k71258384
2
@PascLeRasc Asperger's Syndrome is notoriously misdiagnosed as ADHD, BTW. Also, it's possible to have both, so. But it does need to be dealt with, a diagnosis is not an excuse.
– Richard U
10 hours ago
6
If the coworker is in a protected class, that's up to HR. That's not the OP's issue. The OP is completely within their rights to ask HR that the coworker exhibit reasonable behavior in the workplace. It may be that HR will come back and say "sorry, due to ADA, we can't do anything" but that's a separate issue.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
@DaveG would you be willing to roll the dice on your career like that? If the OP is named in an ADA action, it would absolutely be the OP's issue. You want to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.
– Richard U
9 hours ago
4
@RichardU If you can link to any case where a woman went to HR about sexual harassment and the woman was disciplined / fired simply for that action, I would like to see it. In the meantime I don't believe you, because if that were true, it would be impossible to go to HR about coworker issues, on the basis that the coworker might be protected by the ADA.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
9
1. Reports to HR are privileged (i.e. generally can't be sued for them). Taking action against someone for complaining about harassment is retaliation. 2. ADA requires reasonable accommodation. Giving someone carte blanche to engage in harassment is not a reasonable accommodation. 3. Autism generally manifests in avoidance of social interactions, not in forcing them on others.
– Acccumulation
8 hours ago
add a comment |
2
@PascLeRasc Asperger's Syndrome is notoriously misdiagnosed as ADHD, BTW. Also, it's possible to have both, so. But it does need to be dealt with, a diagnosis is not an excuse.
– Richard U
10 hours ago
6
If the coworker is in a protected class, that's up to HR. That's not the OP's issue. The OP is completely within their rights to ask HR that the coworker exhibit reasonable behavior in the workplace. It may be that HR will come back and say "sorry, due to ADA, we can't do anything" but that's a separate issue.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
@DaveG would you be willing to roll the dice on your career like that? If the OP is named in an ADA action, it would absolutely be the OP's issue. You want to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.
– Richard U
9 hours ago
4
@RichardU If you can link to any case where a woman went to HR about sexual harassment and the woman was disciplined / fired simply for that action, I would like to see it. In the meantime I don't believe you, because if that were true, it would be impossible to go to HR about coworker issues, on the basis that the coworker might be protected by the ADA.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
9
1. Reports to HR are privileged (i.e. generally can't be sued for them). Taking action against someone for complaining about harassment is retaliation. 2. ADA requires reasonable accommodation. Giving someone carte blanche to engage in harassment is not a reasonable accommodation. 3. Autism generally manifests in avoidance of social interactions, not in forcing them on others.
– Acccumulation
8 hours ago
2
2
@PascLeRasc Asperger's Syndrome is notoriously misdiagnosed as ADHD, BTW. Also, it's possible to have both, so. But it does need to be dealt with, a diagnosis is not an excuse.
– Richard U
10 hours ago
@PascLeRasc Asperger's Syndrome is notoriously misdiagnosed as ADHD, BTW. Also, it's possible to have both, so. But it does need to be dealt with, a diagnosis is not an excuse.
– Richard U
10 hours ago
6
6
If the coworker is in a protected class, that's up to HR. That's not the OP's issue. The OP is completely within their rights to ask HR that the coworker exhibit reasonable behavior in the workplace. It may be that HR will come back and say "sorry, due to ADA, we can't do anything" but that's a separate issue.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
If the coworker is in a protected class, that's up to HR. That's not the OP's issue. The OP is completely within their rights to ask HR that the coworker exhibit reasonable behavior in the workplace. It may be that HR will come back and say "sorry, due to ADA, we can't do anything" but that's a separate issue.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
@DaveG would you be willing to roll the dice on your career like that? If the OP is named in an ADA action, it would absolutely be the OP's issue. You want to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.
– Richard U
9 hours ago
@DaveG would you be willing to roll the dice on your career like that? If the OP is named in an ADA action, it would absolutely be the OP's issue. You want to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.
– Richard U
9 hours ago
4
4
@RichardU If you can link to any case where a woman went to HR about sexual harassment and the woman was disciplined / fired simply for that action, I would like to see it. In the meantime I don't believe you, because if that were true, it would be impossible to go to HR about coworker issues, on the basis that the coworker might be protected by the ADA.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
@RichardU If you can link to any case where a woman went to HR about sexual harassment and the woman was disciplined / fired simply for that action, I would like to see it. In the meantime I don't believe you, because if that were true, it would be impossible to go to HR about coworker issues, on the basis that the coworker might be protected by the ADA.
– DaveG
9 hours ago
9
9
1. Reports to HR are privileged (i.e. generally can't be sued for them). Taking action against someone for complaining about harassment is retaliation. 2. ADA requires reasonable accommodation. Giving someone carte blanche to engage in harassment is not a reasonable accommodation. 3. Autism generally manifests in avoidance of social interactions, not in forcing them on others.
– Acccumulation
8 hours ago
1. Reports to HR are privileged (i.e. generally can't be sued for them). Taking action against someone for complaining about harassment is retaliation. 2. ADA requires reasonable accommodation. Giving someone carte blanche to engage in harassment is not a reasonable accommodation. 3. Autism generally manifests in avoidance of social interactions, not in forcing them on others.
– Acccumulation
8 hours ago
add a comment |
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2
A few time he's said "Oh I'm so sorry. Can I give you some money?" and tries to hand me $5-10 in cash. He still does the behavior though. I've never accepted the money for what it's worth.
– PascLeRasc
10 hours ago
1
Seems to me it is time to talk to your boss about it. Keep it factual, describe how it affects you and your performance, and document some situations before you talk.
– michi
10 hours ago
3
This may be nitpicky, but I think you mean he has zero social grace. A social cue is something one person gives another (wearing headphones in public) that someone else may miss.
– BSMP
9 hours ago
2
My politicial opinions are quite opposite of a Republican, but if he asked me literally whether I'm a dumb Republican, the correct answer is "I'm a highly intelligent Republican, but you sound a stupid Democrat". (Parties swapped if you asked me whether I was a dumb Democrat).
– gnasher729
8 hours ago
2
@gnasher729 I'm far-left in real life, but the way he condescends about politics makes me embarrassed to be on the same side as him.
– PascLeRasc
8 hours ago